Brokenness

Tear down the walls of my heart,

The cage that traps me in my past.

All my pain, this desire to go astray,

I give it all to you, so take it all away.

Give me the strength, the courage to fight

To break down these walls I live with tonight

This brokenness that stirs within

An insurmountable fear to allow others in

These relationships I fear to lose,

To fall short and force others to choose

Am I really the man they view?

Or something else entirely new?

How can I break from this shell,

Where the deepest of my feelings dwell?

So aid me in overcoming my fears,

Give me the strength to allow others near.

I know one day you’ll be there in the dark,

To gather the pieces of this shattered heart.

To rescue me from this flooding dam,

And put me back together for your glory. Selah.

 

Heal this brokenness within,

So that I will leak your love once again.

Ignite a fire with your eminent spark,

Empower me to be a light in the dark

 

Rejection

Oh, Angel of Light, hear my desperate plea.

Save me from this mighty sea,

Give me strength to win this fight

 

Your power dictates all,

So aid me before I fall,

Give me your might.

 

My actions bring me despair,

This mortal heart needs repair,

Give me your sight.

 

There is nothing greater than thee,

So pour down your mercy on me,

Give me your light.

 

You stand upon your tower,

And in your soul rests eternal power,

Give me your blight.

 

I bow down before your great throne,

But the lust in your heart has no atone,

Give me your plight.

 

You see my every desire,

So use me to get through your mire,

Give me your smite.

 

Oh, Angel of darkness, hear my desperate plea,

Hurl my enemies into the mighty sea,

Give me your spite.

 

Pain

Years of endless pain,

Trials of torture.

Will it ever end,

Or shall I live in darkness forever?

 

His presence fills my lungs

And suffocates my soul.

The viscous liquid,

Trapping me—keeping from His Word.

 

My life is grotesque,

Encased by this mundane heart.

Oh, how I wish it all would end!

For this dolor to depart.

 

I hear screaming from below,

Calling for me to give in.

But there is something holding on,

Keeping me from the abyss.

 

A lingering light,

Dwelling in me.

His fingers grasp onto mine,

Ripping the pain from my heart.

 

Astra

My life, I live in vain

Mourning through my trembling pain.

I am born of sin,

It fills my life, my very soul within.

 

I see lives burn before my crimson eyes,

Everyone I touch comes to meet their demise.

I do not deserve my next breath,

I am nothing but a token of death.

 

I feel the darkness churning inside,

Devious, lustful, feeding me lies.

It waits in zeal for the hour he can boast,

To lash out, and devour its host.

 

No act can redeem my heart,

Forever stained by his illustrious mark.

My life is an inescapable fate,

There is no running, it is far too late.

Love

We run and hide,

When you draw near.

We disobey, run astray,

We turn our backs and pursue our own path.

But Lord your heart pursues us in dark,

You desire us more than we can fathom,

 

An unbreakable promise left to us,

We know of your love from those slain and sold.

We fall and cannot get up,

Our lives are forfeit without your love.

But Lord your heart pursues us in our struggles,

You desire us more than we can comprehend.

 

You command us to praise no others,

Yet we place You behind our worldly lovers.

Our false identity we place not in You,

But in the things that cannot rebuild our mortal hearts anew.

But Lord your heart pursues us in our brokenness,

You desire us more than we can ever fathom.

 

Loneliness

How alone could this life be?

That I never wish to see the mighty sea,

Feel the raindrops beating on my face,

Or the smell of flowers dancing in the breeze

 

Is there nothing left here for me

‘Cept money, pride, and greed?

I can feel the emptiness inside,

Building up till my eyes are dry,

Just waiting for me to be freed.

 

So how alone could this life be?

That I don’t wish to even dream,

Of seeing the morning sun rise

And shining down high above the sky.

Nor the moonlight reflecting in my eyes,

Revealing the sorrows that abide.

 

Oh, there is nothing more for me here,

So why do I bother to believe

That somebody cares for me,

Just to rest their hands upon my feet

And love me through all the pain they see?

 

Oh, there is nothing left here for me,

Nothing more I can bear to see,

I can sense the shadows drawing near,

So I close my eyes with no fear,

Just waiting for my life to disappear.

 

I feel a hand grab onto mine

To pull me from the shadows that abide

His warming arms pull me close to Him,

Away from the shadows that dwell within,

To rescue me from lingerin’ depravity,

And release me from eternal gravity.

 

My whole life I owe to Him

For through Him all things live.

There’s nothing more I can give

To make up for the covenant that conquered sin

To save me from everything within.

 

Oh how lovely could this life be?

That I wish to see the mighty sea,

Feel the raindrops beating on my face,

And smell the flowers dancing in the breeze.

 

Fear

Who else makes the mountains tremble?

Who holds the sun in the palm of his hand?

Who has crafted every living thing?

None but the Lord,

Whose abundance of love seeps over the lands.

Though I am fearful.

 

For who am I

Compared to the moon and the stars created by Him?

He sits on a gilded throne of glory

Outside the reaches of time;

There is nothing that does not comply.

So who am I but a grain of sand,

Washed away by the sea and left adrift to die?

I am loved.

 

Who else makes the stars shine so bright?

Who reflects the sun’s light at night?

Who created harmonious life?

None but the Lord,

Whose lovely abundance is an endless well,

Whose wrath created the fiery pits of Hell.

 

Who would I be not to fear Him?

A fool, blinded by the illustrious snake,

A tainted being whose soul longs for something more.

Yet He saved me.

 

His gift of grace embraces me,

Pulling me from the malignant flames.

The sins of the world,

Swallowed by your Son,

Oh, God! How the prophecy is done!

Sin and death, defeated forevermore,

An act of selfless love,

To save the world from the wrath we deserve.

Yet only through fear is your love made clear.

For who am I not to fear such power?

To create.

To destroy.

To bring to life.

With Your mere word.

 

Falling

Why can I not escape?

The world pressures,

Squeezes my soul.

It wants me to abandon You,

And worship myself above all.

So I give in,

Throw You to the curb.

I can handle this on my own,

For what is one more sin to explore?

 Then it sucks me in.

I spiral out of control,

My love for You is no more.

The drugs, they flow through my veins,

And the alcohol loosens my legs.

I have no restrictions,

I do what I want.

I am no longer bound

Your law fails to pass the test of time.

A mere story,

Nothing more,

Which tries to control my wild soul.

So I live my life with disregard,

And slander your name with all my heart.

But when I look back,

Over seventy long years,

The pieces of my soul have turned to dust.

I am too late,

I have sealed my fate.

Visible

How vast is His love that we cannot begin to see

The extraordinary power He holds?

He carved the mountains and forged the oceans.

Every peak and valley envisioned before time came to be.

How great is our God that he created such wondrous life?

Every cell,

Every breath,

Every day,

Provided by Him.

Every bird sings for the Lord,

The crickets shall forever jump in praise,

The great lion shall never be tamed.

 

How can one say you are invisible,

When you reveal yourself in so many ways?

We see you through rising sun in the East

And feel your loving breath with every breeze.

Your grace is present within the rain,

The lightening reveals your wrath,

And every crack of thunder reveals your pain.

So we need not fear,

For the price has been paid.

 

Injustice

Stripped away from her home clothed in black,

She knows in her heart she’ll never be back.

Her voice calls out to her parents in pain,

And her father fights against the men in vain.

Yet none can restore her future now,

The knife tears through her mother’s cowl.

Tears fill her eyes,

She sees her demise,

Her future is no more,

Battered, scared, and torn.

 

Her mother’s blood pools on the floor,

Covering her feet with her selfless ransom.

Her body hits the ground,

She cries for help but no one will come.

They place the ether over her mouth,

And all hope of dying runs out.

 

Her body, beaten and bruised,

Scarlet blood stains the noose.

Her hands and feet, shackled to the ground,

The men brand her to their oppressive crown.

The stains and scars, repressed,

Compliance is her unrest.

Her lips no longer speak,

Her mind is numb to this life, so bleak.

Blood pools in her eyes,

She cannot rise,

Cannot escape,

This life—this fate.

 

She is no longer human,

No longer loved.

She is merely property,

Bearing the scars of carnal lust.

Her life fades into dust.

Dreams

We dwell over false dreams,

They do not honor you.

We chase illustrious idols,

And love others not like ourselves.

We are glamorous books

With no words;

An empty shell,

Carved out by immoral love.

The ashes of our dreams

Rains down on our hearts;

A barren valley,

Charred by the demons in our minds.

We desire the love of man,

We seek his approval over yours,

Yet these shallow relationships

Reflects the state of our broken souls.

 

Pursuit

The wicked may prosper,

They have mortal possessions;

But I have the Father

Whom shall eternally watch over my heart.

He leads me in my words with righteousness,

He guides my heart with love,

He forgives me of my trespasses

And accepts me for whom I am and was.

His hands reach out and bless me,

They touch my heart and soul.

His arms shall embrace me

And pull me from the void.

His eyes are a blazing sun

That casts the wicked away,

For none but the pure shall enter his gaze.

His ears hear all the brokenness deep within my soul,

His heart aches with a longing desire

To pursue those lost to themselves,

Within this depraved world.

His fingers are those of a potter,

Masterful and strong.

For with them the world was formed,

His love pouring out for all.

His tongue pierces the veil of darkness,

His Word is alive and well,

And never wavers from truth.

His brow furrows with wrath,

Forever just and fair;

Bringing about the reckoning ‘ere so near.

Yet His palms grip tighter,

He won’t let me fade,

He shall guide me with His council,

And bring me into His embrace.

 

Wrath

I give myself to you

And fall on my knees

Oh, God, the wicked are in constant pursuit.

They desire my soul,

They latch onto my weaknesses in this forsaken world.

My thoughts are not my own,

But twisted in angst.

They defile your grace,

Reject your perfect love.

I dream of lustful thoughts

And am a lover of myself.

I slander your name

And chase my own selfish passions

My hands profess my constant need,

They latch onto the Word,

Yet my feet wander from you.

My eyes seek out the immoral desires

Hidden deep in my heart.

And my heart, broken open amid my pain,

It longs for your glory to fall like rain;

To mend those who follow your sovereign name

And stream fire on those who cast evil upon me in vain!

The world hath turned against you,

All my good it rewards with evil;

And my love, reciprocated with hatred.

 

Take your wrath out upon him,

He who bring me to the depths;

And pour out your love on me,

To pull me from the valleys of suffocating breath.

Let their curses lie upon him,

And shield your faithful followers

From the furnaces of sin.

May his curses drape over his shoulders

Like a clock shrouded in deceit;

May it soak into his body like water,

Like oil into his bones.

Let him know and fear your name;

For when he curses me,

Your wrath shall buckle his knees.

So with my mouth, I will give thanks,

For the atonement given in blood,

To the one who saves my soul.

 

Numb

How long can I keep this up?

This double-sided love.

My heart aches to be set free

From him who dwells in me.

The thoughts in my head

Are no longer mine.

But some else’s entirely.

 

I am a slave

Bound by a dream,

Reaching out across the sea.

Yet these swells crash down,

The salt burning the wounds in me.

I cannot scream,

For my body is numb to thee.

So, I am finally falling…

Falling to be set free.

 

Anxiety

My breathing. It Stops.

My vison. It fades.

Nothing can bring me peace,

I am lost in a false reality.

Yet the world remains.

I must keep moving—

For life will not wait.

It burdens me down

And carves me out.

My eyes glisten in tears

Despair swallows my fears.

A vicious cycle—

I am trapped.

 

Identity

My mind wanders astray,

Into the depths, I wander.

I fear nothing but others,

Into the shadows, I wander.

I care for my idols,

Into the darkness, I wander.

I desire approval,

Into loneliness, I wander.

I long for immorality,

Into death, I wander.

I pursue myself,

Into sorrows, I wander.

I bow to heretics,

Into the fires, I wander.

You pull me from the sea,

Into grace, I wander.

 

Deceit

This heart of mine,

Deceives my soul,

And drags me into the pit.

My fruit is swallowed,

By the idols I see,

When my vision drifts astray.

My eyes, clouded, consumed,

Drawn away from the Heavens

And locked on sinful gloom.

They look upon the lust of this world,

Fuel my heart with hatred,

And lead my naïve heart into depravity

I see the death around me,

The shells that once were humans,

Their idols consuming—their souls devoid of life.

Yet that emptiness draws me in,

The temporary thrill,

Of pursuing this shattered world. My heart sees what my eyes desire,

My soul reacts to what my heart believes,

My future resides in the idols towards which I strive.

 

Demons

The tide pulls me under,

Its strength devours my mind;

My weak flesh is severed,

And my wailing breath cries out.

It drags me into torpor,

Shackling me to the floor;

The water fills lungs,

And suffocates my soul.

The darkness closes in around me,

All light vanishes from sight;

I am trapped with my arms reaching high,

Begging for someone to save me from my plight.

There is no one coming,

No one dives in to save me;

These demons shall forever plague my mind,

So fragile and weak, so undivine.

I am alone,

I am afraid,

I am in anguish for the rest of my days.

 

Reminisce

There are times I see her face,

Times I wish I could grab ahold.

Times I want to feel her hands grasp mine,

Or feel the warmth of her breath in the air.

Times I want to twirl her around,

See her yellow dress dance among the flowers.

Times I hear her laugher around the house—our house,

Times I see her strawberry hair flow in the breeze,

Times I Brwish I could see the light glisten off eyes,

They are blue—well, they were.

A year ago today they turned grey,

Stripped of the vibrant colors that brought me life.

Life that was shattered to pieces as I called out in vain.

I prayed for God to send her back,

To resurrect the one who stole my heart.

There was no returning of life to her eyes,

Nothing that brought her back to me.

Nothing that removed the longing of my soul to see,

Her one last time as she hung on the tree.

 

Intertwined

The air grows thin and I feel my time draw near. This demon within instills nothing but fear. He builds in my chest; his icy breath brings my soul to unrest, nearer and nearer to eternal death. He latches onto this heart of mine; his voice clouds my vision. Our desires intertwine as he makes the final incision. His claws scrape my skin, turning my flesh away from Him. I no longer see or feel His presence surrounding me as darkness shrouds my mind from the truth of His sovereignty. My old self is gone—I am no longer me, but singin’ the demons’ song.

 

Freedom

I am 20 years old,
Yet I have never felt alive.
I live in murky waters and swim with the parasites.
I let them cling to me,
I treat them as a gain,
My senses are numb.

I cannot see them twisting my life around false loves.
I cannot feel my muscles freeze as I sink lower to the depths.
I cannot hear my own conscious screaming at me in vain.
I cannot smell the rotting of my flesh.
I cannot even taste my own oxygen leaving my lungs.
The only things I sense are what they want me to.
And I allow it.

I allow it because I fear what’ll happen if I let them go.
I tried once, yet another, more lustful parasite clung to me soon after.
I should simply accept my fate and succumb.
For every time I try to escape,

Every time I break through for a second and see the light penetrating the murkiness,

They convinces me otherwise.

And I sink even deeper.
Deeper into their pleasures and desires.
Deeper into their dance of death….
The light from the surface fades and the only tear I have left in me joins the waters of my life.

A particle that reflects the light catches what sight I have left.
It drifts before my eyes and mesmerizes my soul.
For in that tiny particle of light, I finally see me for who I truly am.
A grotesque corpse inside and out whom nobody could ever possibly love.

But the particle still comes closer despite the grime.
It reaches its fingers through the muck and latches onto my mundane heart.
A stream of water sends me spiraling out of control.
I feel one of my parasites clinging onto me for dear life.
I grab ahold and cling tight to them, cling tight to my pleasures, I never want them to leave.
I never want to be left alone.

Another particle of light rushes in, he rips off a parasite and casts it to the depths.
And where I expect emptiness – I find freedom.
Freedom from the shame of never being enough.
Freedom from a fate worse than death.
Freedom from nights where I would lie in a corner with the lights off, my body numb to the saltiness of my tears, the only sound being my endless sobbing.

My eyes open.
The remaining parasites sink their teeth in deeper, trying to tempt me back into the depths of my sin.
The current hurls me around, slams me into rocks, brings up my worst memories, tortures my very existence.

Yet I don’t succumb.
Somehow, I resist.
I free an arm and rip off another parasite.
As I do, a much warmer more comforting gust pulls me up from the current.
The tumbling stops.
Another parasite falls.

I no longer want to be in the depths.
Above me is the surface, the very surface I thought I would never see again.
Then I feel a presence grasp ahold of my hand and pull me up.

I am 1 year old, a mere infant at most.
Yet I am alive.